Have you ever watched Young Black Jack? If you haven't you should go and watch it, it's a really nice series and it's brilliant, but aside from the excellent content it has as an anime series it also has an excellent soundtrack, I am just feeling alive is the opening theme sung by Umi Kuun and well it means a lot to me.
At the beginning when I saw the two first episodes in a row I was like "what the hell? why did the producers choose this song for this anime?", so I was very disappointed by the song, then I was like "there should be a reason for this song to be the opening theme", so I went ahead and did what I like the most, search for the lyrics and translation. I'm gonna be honest with you, as soon as a I read it, I started loving the song, the lyrics, the meaning, how the performance of the song is done, everything got a meaning and I was so mad with me for disliking the son at the beginning.
That was like one month ago, well almost two, so I started paying attention to the lyrics and trying to learn the lyrics, right now it's pretty hard for me to learn the lyrics cuz I'm pretty stubborn and I like to pronounce every single word in the right way and if I don't do it I stop trying XD, and so it came that time of the year for a new event and a new karaoke contest. Since I was getting bored from all the previous songs I already knew I was like "hey! let's sing I am just feeling alive" -which I didn't know, but well, I'm like that- I sent my inscription and I had to learn what I was missing in a week. So, I got to practice a lot, and I learnt all the lyrics, but I never got to do the right entrance.... so believe me when I said that this Saturday I felt so freaking nervous before the contest that I was questioning my entire existence and the reason why I like to go and participate in this kind of thing....
And so... when I was on stage... I was like "f*ck this shit, let's do it and see what happens..." I thought about a lot of things being on stage, I thought about how much I love the song, about the fact of how incredible and ironic was the fact that I got to do the right entrance for the first time in that moment, about Umehara Yuichiro holding a cat in the middle of the crowd, about how bad I felt for making my friends waiting for me while I was waiting my turn to participate, about the fact that my voice sounded good for the first time, about how scared I was that I wouldn't be able to hold the last note cuz while practicing I couldn't do it, about the fact that I didn't mistake what was coming after the second "I am just feeling alive", about how ironic was singing that while wearing my Pandora cosplay, then about how surprised I felt about the fact that I hold much better than expected the last note and that people were cheering for me at the end and how weird was that.... and as usual at the end I just ran away.... yeah way to go for someone who would love to be a professional singer.... but I'm just too shy and I don't believe I have talent.... but well... that's the reason why I'm writing this.
I have never felt so proud of singing, it was the first time I didn't hate my voice and that I actually loved the way it came out, the fact that I have like this confidence attack and I didn't shake as much as in previous times... yeah I always tremble while singing, the fact that this time I was like "if someone would say something bad about my performance just because, that person can go to hell", and the most important... I won third place... I know much people would be like "third place sucks" but believe, I've been participating in this kind of contest because those are the only times when I have the chance to live my real dream of being a singer, of being on stage, of feeling the thrill that all of the singers I admire feel, and getting to know that even if I don't have professional training in singing, even if I know I don't know a shit about how to sing correctly, I'm moving forward little by little.
It's for sure I'm never gonna be a professional singer or that the dream I had when I was a little girl it's not gonna happen, but I feel proud and I feel happy because this person who organizes the contest every year, she has seen me since the first contest, and that day she told me she was proud of me that I did it great and that I should feel more confidence... I couldn't believe all the nice stuff she said to me and I had this dump face all the time cuz it felt like a dream XD.... I think that was the best experience at Kuri this year.
Now people are telling me to move from the amateur category to the "pro" category... BUT I don't feel confidence enough for that.... maybe in 4 years LOL... who knows... and I actually don't know what's gonna happen next year, but at least for now I have this very beautiful memory and I know I can feel proud of myself for one performance I did in the singing category...
And if you ever watch Young Black Jack, please love the opening from the very first moment, it's a beautiful song and it has a beautiful meaning, I feel really, really identified with this song and that's why I want more people to love it!
Listening to: I am just feeling alive